The comfortable feeling of comfort.

On my run yesterday, I felt so alive and so calm. It’s weird because as soon as I get home I just feel uncomfortable. I have a job which I love and a dog whom I adore SO much, but my home just doesn’t feel like “home”.

The feeling makes me really sad. I remember how things were when I was younger, but now that I’m an adult I am no longer treated and answered through love. Traditional ways are set where children are not to live at home after they graduate from college. This mindset does not help a lot of us whose parents say it is okay to be living at home, but their actions differ.

I am blessed with a family who supports me financially. I have been through SO much with my knee surgeries and I am glad to have a roof over my head. There are some days, though, when I wonder if mental abuse is just as bad as throwing someone out on the street. It’s draining most days, but I am learning to just live with it.

We all just have to get over it at some point, right?

My life took a turn I never saw coming multiple times since graduating from high school. I never saw myself as having disordered eating and being alone all the time. Truthfully, I was never one to want to be alone until trying to hide my way of losing weight. It is something I would change in a heartbeat. Would I still be heavy? Probably. Would I be happier? Most definitely yes.

I lack a support system. The kind of support you need when you’re looking for a push or an answer. The kind of support when you’re crying and someone cares about your well-being. The kind of support where someone is not seeing you as a “black cloud” but as a person suffering with many things. I need a hug. I need to hear it is okay. I need help finding my path.

What I don’t need is what I am getting right now. Negative talk. Backlash. Putdowns. “Get over it”. You cannot afford it. I cannot help you. What IS WRONG (Insert rolling eyes and annoyed voice)?! “Oh, stop”. Avoidance. Ignoring a loved one. Mental head games.

On my run yesterday, I did not have any of this by myself. It was beautiful. It was bright. It was so comfortable. I just want this feeling to never end.

Xo Laur & Elmo

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One thought on “The comfortable feeling of comfort.

  1. I’m so sorry, Laur. It is frustrating to hear one thing from someone and then have their actions portray a totally different attitude. I think it’s kind of sad that it’s not traditional for kids to live with family after college. Like why does it have to be that way? If it was normal, would graduates be better of financially? Would we be closer with family? So many questions.

    I really feel for you in dealing with the negativity day in and day out. I am so glad you have the outlet of running, Elmo, and work. Keep hanging in there and know I am praying for you. I believe in you!

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