On my run yesterday, I felt so alive and so calm. It’s weird because as soon as I get home I just feel uncomfortable. I have a job which I love and a dog whom I adore SO much, but my home just doesn’t feel like “home”.
The feeling makes me really sad. I remember how things were when I was younger, but now that I’m an adult I am no longer treated and answered through love. Traditional ways are set where children are not to live at home after they graduate from college. This mindset does not help a lot of us whose parents say it is okay to be living at home, but their actions differ.
I am blessed with a family who supports me financially. I have been through SO much with my knee surgeries and I am glad to have a roof over my head. There are some days, though, when I wonder if mental abuse is just as bad as throwing someone out on the street. It’s draining most days, but I am learning to just live with it.
We all just have to get over it at some point, right?
My life took a turn I never saw coming multiple times since graduating from high school. I never saw myself as having disordered eating and being alone all the time. Truthfully, I was never one to want to be alone until trying to hide my way of losing weight. It is something I would change in a heartbeat. Would I still be heavy? Probably. Would I be happier? Most definitely yes.
I lack a support system. The kind of support you need when you’re looking for a push or an answer. The kind of support when you’re crying and someone cares about your well-being. The kind of support where someone is not seeing you as a “black cloud” but as a person suffering with many things. I need a hug. I need to hear it is okay. I need help finding my path.
What I don’t need is what I am getting right now. Negative talk. Backlash. Putdowns. “Get over it”. You cannot afford it. I cannot help you. What IS WRONG (Insert rolling eyes and annoyed voice)?! “Oh, stop”. Avoidance. Ignoring a loved one. Mental head games.
On my run yesterday, I did not have any of this by myself. It was beautiful. It was bright. It was so comfortable. I just want this feeling to never end.
Xo Laur & Elmo