the loss of one who understands…

A couple of days ago I found out a girl I knew through social media passed away.

This girl followed a lot of people recovering from disordered eating or other forms of eating disorders. She offered encouragement along with smiles and uplifting emojis. I never met her in real life,  but I got to know her through her posts.

I found out she passed away from a collapsed lung. I do not know the details, but I imagine it was an organ failure due to years of nutritional abuse.

You know the scariest part about it? Not only did I feel sad and the usual feelings associated with death, but I felt… envious. Jealous, even.

Unfortunately, this girl’s life was swallowed by an eating disorder. As a girl who has suffered on and off with disordered eating for ten years, she achieved the ultimate goal… Freedom.

No longer is she counting calories.

No longer is she stuck in a battle of living versus staying alive.

No longer is she counting the minutes until her next meal.

No longer is she alone because no on understands her.

No longer is she getting night sweats from her body eating itself alive.

No longer is she anxious about being in any social situation with food.

No longer is she trying to recover to get back to a normal existence.

No longer is she praying to die because she cannot recover.

No longer does she feel like a waste of space; a zombie of a human.

No longer does she sit in her car with her head on the steering wheel because she just wants her mind to “shut up”.

No longer does she feel crazy.

No longer does she feel alone.

No longer does she feel… anything.

I do not know what is more upsetting about this situation. The fact a girl around my age lost her life to an eating disorder or the fact I am envious she has freedom from her eating disorder.

That’s all for today.

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One thought on “the loss of one who understands…

  1. *hugs* I’m really sorry about your friend’s passing (and yes- people who comment and read blogs CAN be friends… real relationships form on social media). My heart really aches for you and for her friends and family, but I think your post rings true. When older people die or when people die of diseases like cancer, I always hear people say at the funeral that they are free from cancer or whatever they died of, and your friend is no exception *hugs*.

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